Obviously Mary Jaksch (compiler and prompter for today’s Trust30 writing challenge) doesn’t know me.

I’m not afraid of anything.

Talk about it? Sure!

Try it? Okay.

Write about it? I’ll give it my best shot!

And yet after thinking through my darkest secrets I know I am afraid of writing them out for the world to see.

Some of them I won’t write about because it will hurt people that I know. Some I won’t write about (publicly) because I don’t want to reckon with myself. There have been many times when I’ve put something to paper and it is given life. It becomes. It is true. And some of those things are not my higher self. They are primal, negative, cruel – why would I want to give them any air time?

So I have to think hard for this exercise. What am I afraid to write, to show the world, that won’t spread negativity or acceptance of the evil within us?

I have to dig deep.

Deep beneath the protective outer shell.

Deep beneath what my anger hides.

Anger hides hurt – almost all the time, in almost every last one of us.

“The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mary Jaksch says that since Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do,” I should consider that which is ‘too scary’ to write about and do it.

Here’s what scares me most…

That I am just like you. I am not a superhero, I am not tough as nails, I am not capable of doing all things.

I Am Hurt and I Am Incompentent

I am hurt by the things you say. By the way you have treated my child. By the lack of action, lack of drive, lack of compassion in you.

I am hurt because I thought you were like me. Always striving, always giving, always loving. And instead you turned your nasty head and spoke ill of me, looked for ways to hurt me, cheated and lied, didn’t give your all, and took sides.

I learned a long time ago that the route to a successful marriage is to look after your partner. To make your partner’s needs and happiness your primary concern. While you are looking after them, they are looking after you. Such is true in every relationship. The cashier ringing in my groceries, the little boy down the road, the person at the end of my email.

All to be loved as though they were more important than myself.

But while I lift you up and project love towards you, my fellow man, you continue to misdirect your own rage while hiding your vulnerability (even to yourself).

And I am incompetent to operate with you on that level.